I think life can be difficult for anyone of any age and of any gender. But somehow certain teenage girls think they are the first and only people in the world to realize life is unfair and that people can be phony, etc. This is so tedious, unoriginal, and predictable that I have come up with a simple 10-point response for all you frazzled parents out there with whiny, sulky teenage daughters who justify their obnoxiousness with the erroneous belief that they are the first and only people in the world to realize that life is unfair and that people can be phony:
Wow. You're right on schedule for recognizing the limitations of this mass-consumerist, sexist, post-modern dystopia in which we all live. Your father and I have discussed this and we recommend you do the following, assuming you haven’t started already:
1. Paint your fingernails black.
2. Read the requisite literature: The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath, Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger (along with Franny and Zooey, his collection of short stories), Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel, The Basketball Diaries by Jim Carroll, etc. These books will teach you how to become even more miserable and self-absorbed and self-pitying than you already are. Learn from the best.
3. Fall behind in school. Duh.
4. Journal a lot or start a blog detailing the misery of being trapped in vapid suburbia where nobody is as cool and perceptive as you.
5. Research depression on the Internet to make sure you’re acquiring all of the right symptoms and affects.
6. Limit your social circle to one: the one girl who really “gets” you. Experiment with lesbianism with her after school in your bedroom (but please, only when your father and I are both out because we’d hate to walk into anything).
7. Cultivate irony and deadpan speech delivery. This is a no-brainer. You’re already doing this, but you need to take it to the next level and turn it into an art form.
8. Start cutting yourself. Because the only way to take away the existential pain of being in your own specific skin is to, well, cut your own specific skin.
9. Listen to music nobody else your age is listening to. One way to go is retro: Joy Division, The Velvet Underground, MC5, the Stooges, etc. Don’t worry, your father and I never listened to that music either.
10. Cultivate and exhibit an intense disdain for me, your mother, who couldn’t possibly understand what you’re going through or thinking or feeling because I do things like buy music CDs at Starbucks and watch GLEE.
There’s more, but you get the idea. Your father and I trust you can handle this important rite of passage with aplomb and finesse. You’ve always been so smart. We love you so.
