fiction:: 4th GRADE REALLY SUCKED, pt. 1

Miss Cunningham, my fourth grade social science teacher, was a metabolic phenomenon. Cellulite tissue covered her entire body and grew like yeast, layer upon layer, in what seemed an impossible feat of nature. Each calf leg had the circumference, if not texture, of a tightly rolled up sleeping bag. Her upper arms swelled and heaved like individual wracks of lamb. It was rumored she suffered from a rare hormonal disorder which caused her body to produce an inordinate amount of fat, giving her the appearance of being built out of bulbous, ever-expanding, hornets nests. Once, on a field trip to Springfield, she had to get on the bus through the rear emergency exit.

Naturally, she couldn't wear store-bought clothes or even clothes made for large women. Instead, she wore dresses that looked like they were individually made for her. I suppose she had maybe two or three such dresses which she alternated day in and day out, fall, winter, spring, and probably summer. One had a faded floral pattern, another one was solid Golf Course Green. I think the third was a dark, dull purple. The material for these dresses looked like they came from old Queen size bed sheets which, when you think about it, is pretty practical and cost-efficient. I'm sure every student that had her as a teacher wondered, without intentional cruelty or amusement, how someone like her could go to the bathroom. Did she drive? Was she ever normal? What did she do when not at school? She was the kind of person who, when looking at her face, would deny you the possibility of being able to imagine her as a child, as a wife, as a registered voter as anything other than what she was in class.

I don't think Miss Cunningham was a very happy person. I'm sure she was quite miserable, as any human being in her situation probably would be. I could almost feel sorry for her were it not for the fact that I genuinely hated her. But, more on that later.